"Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lack wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him....................... Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."
This scripture has been so relevant in my life over the past years and even more so as of late....
So I am going to school to get my degree in Elementary Education. I have wanted to be a teacher from the time I was a little girl. Since I am now a senior in college, I am nearing the end of my journey and coming to the most intricate and challenging parts of finishing my degree. In order for me to finish out these last 2 semesters I have to get into the (TEP) Teacher Education Program. In order to do that, I have to pass a state Praxis test. Well I took the test this past summer, there are 3 sections on the exam: Math, Reading and Writing. I passed the writing with flying scores, however my math and reading were one point shy of passing the required scores. I got a 173 and you have to get a 174. To be honest it was the most discouraging thing to know that I was so close but yet so far away. So I began the fall semester finishing out my general Ed classes not really worrying about the test anymore at that time, well the semester quickly came to an end and I still had not taken the Praxis again and therefore could not register for classes for the Spring Semester......
I was rather unsure of what I was going to do, so I proceeded to finish my portfolio and go ahead and turn it in. When I turned it in, I explained my situation, they said don't worry this happens all the time with the scores, just take the Praxis again before school starts back and if you pass you can then register for classes.....
To be honest when school ended, my main focus was getting ready to leave for Paraguay and I had kinda put the Praxis on the back burner. The other day I was asked "Why did you really wait on taking the test?" Honestly I did procrastinate... It's because I had lost all confidence and was so discouraged that I was only 1 point away and that I had to take it again in order to get into the TEP and register for classes. I came to the point where I just didn't even know what I wanted to do. I thought for many days maybe I have picked the wrong major. I have never been a good test taker. I can excel at pretty much anything I put my mind to, but testing is not one of my fortes. Everything else in my academic profile is acceptable for the TEP but my scores. So to say the least it is really frustrating....
With all this said I am actually taking the Praxis on Tuesday... and in the meantime am seeking the favor of the Lord for me to be able to go ahead and register for classes before then. Otherwise after my results from Tuesday it will then determine the next step I take and where I go......
Once again God has brought me to the place in my life where I am surrendering everything to him. I have released it all. I cannot worry, I cannot doubt but I will do nothing but Trust. Psalms 26:3 says " For your love is ever before me, and I walk continually in your truth." I know that I am walking in his truth. I don't know right now what my future holds. I am at the place where I am uncertain whether or not I am even supposed to be a teacher. Honestly I have never really asked God whether or not there was something else for me besides teaching, I just always knew "I" wanted to be a teacher and that was my dream, but just what if that is not in God's plans. What if he has something else in store.... It is a very hard place to be right now. When you know that your career is so close to being done, but yet that may not be the direction God is going to take you, he may choose to take you a compleelty differnt way and open bigger and better doors... and so many times I just want to say God What?! What now? But I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has my life in the palm of his hands. He knew I would be at this very moment where I am at. He knew that this day would come. I don't know what he is doing but he is doing something so big in my life, that I sense it.. I feel it... I hear his still small voice and I know that everything will work out in his perfect timing not mine, and when it does I will be amazed once again at the amazing faithfulness of God.
As I have been through so many different roads in life, I have been to this place before where sometimes you must sacrifice, you must lay down your biggest dreams and your biggest hopes in life and you must give them over to God. But when you do, you will be BLOWN away at the doors and the blessings that God will open up for you. It is called obedience. It is not always easy, but to whom much is given, much is required. We so many times want the easy way out, we want things handed to us, and we don't ever give anything up, but sometimes we must do the exact opposite. Nothing is ours, everything has been given to us freely by a loving and a faithful God and we must listen... hear... pray.. seek and be obedient to his word and his calling on our life. We must trust and know that he has ordained and ordered our every steps and he has called us by name and he has prepared us for such a time as this.
It seems like all of this could not of come at a more perfect time. I am on a 21 day fast with my church family. A fast to pursue God more and more everyday. So I am laying it all down. Every Hope. Every dream. Everything and I am pursuing the very breath of God more and more everyday. For direction in my life, because right now I don't know what tomorrow holds, what next week holds, but what I do know is that I serve a faithful and a loving father who will never leave me or forsake me and has a plan and a purpose for my life. Every journey that he has placed me on, I have been .. blessed... molded.... defined.. sharpened... guided and changed to be the person that God has called me to be. I will walk this next journey of my life with strength.. determination... perseverance... trust. and surrender.. Even though this all may seem overwhelming, in the midst of it all I am beyond excited and their is apart of me that knows that there is something bigger and greater on the horizon that I cannot see right now but I must surrender it all and trust God in all things. I must wait patiently on the Lord. "But those whose hope is in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
God. you are indescribable. my father. my shelter. my friend. my healer. my refuge. my strength. Thank you for every blessing. for life. for your grace and mercy that is new every morning. Thank you for the song in my heart and the dance to my feet. I will forever praise you.
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